3rd Chemo today

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I sat down to post a few times, but then decided that I didn't really have anything new to say about the cancer..... we've had a houseful of relatives, too, and I've been hanging out with them more than on the computer I guess..... also, my favorite computer sits in the room that is also the guest room...... I have to curtail my computer activities when people want to go to sleep! (The other computer is the laptop, which Matthew uses a lot, and Em lately does too.... even ALan sometimes does. BUt I don't like it much -- I only use it under duress, like when we're out of town and it's the only one that travels.)

ANyhow I went to my third infusion today. The hard part was having to get up at 7 when my kids didn't have to go to school.....that's probably the REAL reason why they have me take steroids the day before chemo -- so I can pop out of bed like toast after only 4-5 hours' sleep! (BOy that's a dated joke; who has pop-up toasters anymore? It's like telling your kids they sound like broken records.....)

Hmm, I haven't gotten real far with this posting. I'll have to pick up the pace or it's going to be a looooong post!

Okay so I got ready early and was sure I'd be early, but there was a glitch somewhere, because I was 15 mins late, and after a day of attributing it to the gale winds on the ride, I came home to hear my mom tell me that in fact I'd lollygagged getting the house and had left about 15 mins late.

I hadn't read about the wind forecast. There were like 30 mph winds with gusts of up to 50+ mph. When I was biking over the key bridge I was...... very glad that there was a concrete barrier between the sidewalk (where the bikes go too, like the Mass Ave bridge between Cambridge & Boston in MA) and the cars. I debated getting off my bike and walking, but I decided that would give the wind more time to blow my glasses off, so I kept riding. I passed a guy holding onto a pillar to keep from being blown away. I told him I'd never seen anything like this, and he laughed. BUt by the time I passed the next guy, who got onto the bridge after the big gust had passed, there was nothing to say; the wind was once again within the realm of the ordinary.

Joan was later getting out than I so she caught me a little before the MD line. (The routs starts in VA, get to DC after the Key bridge, and bike up the Capitol Crescent trail, where we cross the line into MD about..... maybe 4-5 miles from the doc's office? Joan will know the mileage better than I -- she has a computer on the bike she rides with me to chemo, and I don't.)

The doc said a lot of things, but basically I'm on track and none of the side effects are going to be serious or lasting, so I can continue. He referred me to the nurses about meds to help with indigestion. I got some other thing injected into my infusion bag to help (tagamet.) The indigestion started anyway; I had to roll down my pants in the infusion room, and I don't think it was because of the salad I ate for lunch. I wrote down some ideas the nurse gave me of things I can get at the pharmacy -- so far I've tried mylanta, maalox, and gas-x. The recommendations I got today were for mylecon, tagamet, and prilosec. (If any of youse guys have any experience with or knowledge of these meds, please share!)

My blood counts were good today -- in fact my WBC is high normal, which makes me wonder about the necessity of continuing to get neulasta...... (wbc=9.7, on a scale of 3.8-10.8.) The nurses said I do still need it, because my counts will go down with the chemo, but that if it's above range next time I should talk to the doc about whether or not to get neulasta next time. Even the red count's okay (HGB just in range and HCT just under) and platelets are okay too, 193 on a scale of 140-400.

Oh and then I got this wierd chest thing just at the very end, hours after I'd finished with the taxotere (which can cause breathing problems, but usually within the first 15 mins of the drip.) When I breathed in deeply it was like.... you know when you have a cold and suddenly it threatens to move into your chest and become bronchitis or pneumonia? It was like that, except I don't have a cold. I was okay when breathing regularly. They took my BP and listened to my chest and pronounced me well and fit to bike home. I wondered..... we talked about what to do if it got worse (georgetown ER is on the way home.)

In fact it was the right decision; when I got outside the wind was clearly a bigger problem than my chest, and the wind also seemed calmer once we got onto the trail. (There's .5-1 mile of streets between the medical office building and the trail entrance.) Then when we were only a third of the way home I realized that my chest was all better! I guess it needed some deep heavy biking breathing to help it go away. (YOu know, that works when I'm actually sick, too -- when I'm getting better but still feeling crud in my chest. And now I'm remembering that it helped get the anesthesia out of my lungs after surgery.)

Joan and I had debated taking the train home instead of riding because of the winds, but we were glad we didn't, because it wasn't as bad as the morning had been -- though actually I took long enough getting home that Alan and the other folks on the home front were worried. I've done it in an hour after eye appointments, but this took an hour 45 mins. (BUt hey I was on benadryl..... and chemo, but I think it's the benadryl at that point -- tomorrow it will be the chemo.) I didn't feel slow, but I can always tell I am anyway when Joan has to stop and wait at the tops of hills...... (THey haven't worried before but they haven't been home before -- I'm usually just late for the kids. THEY only worried last time when Matthew was sick and his fever started to go up...... and rightly so! Guess who took care of him..... but I wrote about that, didn't I?)

Anyway I was proud of myself today for not only having ridden all 26 miles in strong winds, but for having enjoyed it too! :-D

Chemo burn

I have this burn on the back of my left hand -- I had been assuming that I must have burned myself somehow on Friday, when I had myself a little cooking party and made brownies and that yummy red lentil - oat soup I can't seem to get enough of these days. I've been keeping an eye on the burn and putting vitamin E on it, and marveling at its rather large size and my obvious pain tolerance/ obliviousness in having completely missed getting it! (I have always been proud of my high pain tolerance threshold, but lately I am seeing that the obliviousness on the flip side of that can be dangerous...... Someone in better tune with their body -- a whiner even!-- would have caught the breast cancer sooner, I think. YOu know those people who go to the doctor saying "I don't know; it just doesn't feel right." Yeah, that's the kind of awareness I'm missing..... somehow gradual change just seems like the new reality to me.....)

Anyway so in the early morning when I woke up (middle of the night for me) I realized that the burn was not behaving like a regular burn either, exactly, and didn't feel quite like a regular burn. I also realized that it happens to be the injection site of my last chemo, and it hurt for days after the chemo was done. In fact I can't tell you whether it ever stopped hurting (since it only hurt when I touched it -- so I mostly didn't.) I made the connection because it hurts now, where it's red, though not very much -- and I'm pretty sure it's the same hurt as right after (and maybe during?) chemo. Maybe it's hurt the whole time since then (over a week.) Isn't that interesting? I don't think it's dangerous, but I had Alan take a picture so I can show them next time I go for chemo.

I found an online discussion where someone describes a chemo burn exactly like mine and recommends preparation H for it -- so I put some on. However, the burn really seems to be on the inside more than the outside......

In terms of other stuff...... My indigestion was bad yesterday pm (after we went out for Mexican food..... despite how careful I thought I was!) but is much better today (haven't eaten anything but tea and brownies -- the ones I made are pretty healthful actually.)
I walked the dog for over 2 hrs yesterday (I'm guessing 7.5 miles; they felt like 17 min miles rather than 15) which was very nice. Today I managed to get out of going shopping with everyone else -- because Mom's here and drove them! However, I lost the option of going swimming while they are out because I left my pool bag in the trunk of the car, which they have....... so I guess I should take Pinky out for another walk.... The sun did JUST come out; maybe it's a nice day for it.

I'm still going to have to do some CHristmas shopping, unfortunately, though I think the gang may help me while they are out...... and I have started to make a couple of things, which is infinitely cooler -- especially if I get them finished!!! :-D

Continued Gut Troubles

I'm starting to worry about whether this chemo is causing some kind of damage to my gut lining that might stay on afterwards..... I feel like a bit of a whiner (after the palpitations & cardio follow up) but I wonder if I might need to follow up on it. I had gone on the BRAT diet a couple of days ago -- and it helped a lot. But I've been so tired, I haven't really exercised. So finally today I went swimming. I did a couple of errands afterwards, picked up Em, took her to Target, got Matthew from school (he has debate after school a couple of days a week) and by the time I got home I was so hungry I had my lunch all planned.......

I had a sandwich of avocado, salmon, tomatoes, pickles and mustard. It was divine..... I had a 2nd one. (Open face sandwiches -- bread is not so much my thing.... plus, I never would have been able to get my mouth around it with another piece of bread on it!) I know it sounds like strange food -- I described it to Matthew and he said "and some mini marshmallows!" I wouldn't eat that, but he's right, it does sound like a kitchen sink sandwich..... However -- I eat like that all the time, and it's not usually a problem! (Especially not those pickles. THey were homemade by these friends of ours and really really nice -- and I don't taste much salt in them, as I do in commercial pickles. I'm going to keep putting cucumbers in there as I use theirs up.......)

Anyway I had been okay (not perfect but okay), but I am not now (couldn't eat dinner.) I bet it was all fine except for the pickes and mustard...... but the thing is, I've been kinda nauseous in the morning (a couple of hours after I get up -- right when I need to eat breakfast!) The pickles and mustard counter the nausea nicely ..... though at the time I actually take an antinausea pill..... which of course makes me sleepy.... which is part of why I haven't been exercising much lately. Bit of a catch 22.....

Indigestion and Parenting a sick kid

I think the indigestion is chemo related, despite the nurses' claims to the contrary. They do list diarrhea, constipation, and nausea as potential side effects, and indigestion is something that..... well let's just say that if there any out there to be had it tends to find me. I'm not talking about an upset or sour stomach; this is all lower gut stuff -- gas and bloating. SO I eat fine, and then later I pay. Last chemo it started 9 days after (a couple of days after Thanksgiving, which was nice.) This time the gut gurgles started at the end of the infusion last Thursday. I ignored them, though -- until the trouble got so bad it couldn't be ignored. Yesterday I started the BRAT diet, which is booooorrring.... but I do feel better.

Meanwhile Matthew has been sick since last THursday. (I had to leave him home alone sick to go to chemo. His fever wasn't that high yet though - and he IS fifteen.) It's been taking a long time! I've taken him to the doctor's twice... each time worrying that sitting in the waiting room with all those coughing kids would do me in. (Matthew's been so careful about me -- even sitting in the back seat of the car when I've taken him to the doctor! ..... so far I've been all right!) Today was his first day without fever since last Thursday -- but he's broken out in hives, which the doc thinks is an allergic reaction to the illness..... (who knew that was possible??) I have to go out and get Matthew some zyrtec, which should take him through the overnight and the day, without knocking him out at school. He's still coughing a lot..... but the doc says he can go to school tomorrow.

I am thinking that the neulasta might me helping me here -- this time last chemo my white count was through the roof. I'll get it checked tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe this is good timing for me........

2nd taxotere-carboplatin infusion

It was raining yesterday -- so I got to try out my new "hurricane jacket"! It really did keep me dry, for all 26 miles! Not so the rain pants I'd gotten for free...... I hear there's some kinda spray I can put on them though -- will keep eyes open for it. Meanwhile, the upper body is the main thing, so I was fine.

So I biked to chemo and back, with my loyal friend Joan. I got to take only one 4mg tab of decadron (steroid) the day before, but had to stick with 10 on chemo day, since that's already a cut from the 20 most people get. However, the doctor said I could skip the steroid these next two days -- at my discretion; I could also take a 4 mg tab this morning. (I did. Alan was more comfortable with a more gradual decrease -- and I kinda am too. Besides, I seem to be more tired this time..... maybe it was hard biking in the rain?)

I biked there again today for the neulasta shot, and Joan came again. I rode the nice bike today -- I seem to be slower the day after chemo; this is the 2nd time I've noticed that. (It didn't happen on taxol -- or not so noticeably, if it did. I don't know about AC -- I forgot. Maybe it's in the old blog posts.) Today was hard because it was cold and windy -- and probably also because day after chemo. So now I've ridden 52 miles in the last 2 days -- I think I will sleep. I sure am tired. Maybe hard biking is enough against the decadron, if I have less of it? Or maybe this chemo is actually hard enough in some way that the decadron is necessary..... not sure.

I saw a different doc this time, because mine was out of town. This was a young woman, and she was great. She talked about trying to get zometa for her patients (the bisphosphinate I want!!) and also said she'd seen a study of cancer survivors who engage in vigorous exercise having a 50% better survival rate. (This she volunteered when she came in the room and saw me and Joan with all our biking garb. It was a nice reaction, because we were a bit of a mess!)

There was more but I'm tired. I'll tell ya later if I think of it. It went fine, basically. The only complication is, Matthew's sick. I actually had to leave him home alone sick while I went to chemo. He's big and competent -- but I didn't like being that unavailable. In fact it went fine until I was on my way home and his temp was going up. We are working on getting him the meds ahead of the temp spike..... (You would think I'd have had this in the bag -- it's just the same as when I had to take meds while on taxol to get ahead of the pain.... but nooooooo, had to relearn it all over again.....) I didn't make it home before Em yesterday either, though I expected to, since she was going to work in the library after school until 4 -- but it turned out it was closed for some meeting so she came home at the regular time, 2:40. However, she was invaluable -- Matthew started to get needy right around then and she totally took care of him -- and washed her hands about 17 times in between everything she did, she promised me before I even asked!

It was kinda funny -- when I came in the back door all wet and muddy and asked Em to go bring me the shoe/mud towel from the front door, she did -- and then she said she'd gotten to watch about 20 minutes of her movie in the last hour and a half. (I felt like "welcome to my life!") She said she hadn't minded helping Matthew, but now she kind of didn't want to be asked to help anymore for awhile. It was very cute, and quite reasonable. (Course it also meant that she wanted me to get her food while I was all wet and drippy. SHe waited.) Then later when I asked Matthew if he'd done this and that -- taken meds, taken his temp, refilled his water, written the meds and times and temps and times down, he answered "Emily did it" to every question. It was somehow even more impressive. It was heartening actually.

And I'm glad it's the weekend, because I really don't want to be the parent in charge of a sick kid, while I'm on chemo. I am getting neulasta shots, which boost my white count, and should help a lot with avoiding catching illnesses -- but I'm told that neutropenia is still a risk -- maybe because other white cells are not overproducing? NOt sure about this. I took Matthew to the doctor this evening, and he tested negative for strep and flu. (We've all had the flu shot this year but it's only 85%.) The doc volunteered to order the flu test after I told him I was on chemo and concerned about how many days I was being exposed to illness. Apparently if you can get a flu dx within 48 hrs you can start this med that makes it last shorter.

Matthew seemed well just after seeing the doctor actually. He said it was because he got to take off his sweater, and was so much more comfortable. ALan had told him to dress warmly to "sweat it out" and the doc had told him to stay cool. (I had told him to listen to his body and bundle up when he's cold, and take it off when he's hot. How can anyone do otherwise??!! But he said ALan seemed so sure of himself. Now let's think -- who worked in a clinic with nurses for her best friends for 14 years?) Anyway, he seemed a lot more comfortable after that -- maybe some combo of physical comfort and getting empowered to listen to his body....

And now I have to go get a good night's sleep so I can go buy popsicles and clementines and stuff for him tomorrow. I just couldn't fit it in today.....

Heart Normal

I talked with the cardiologist today. My heart pump function is fine, he said. If anything was going to get affected by the chemo, that was it. I pressed for clarification & he said that if the adriamycin damaged the heart, the damage must be pretty small because it doesn’t show up on the ultrasound. (Maybe that’s normal – I don’t know – but I sure found it reassuring!!) I have to repeat some bloodwork, though – my magnesium level was low (and he wants me to start taking a supplement now) and my thyroid level is also a little low. So I will repeat the bloodwork and we’ll see…. He did say that low magnesium levels can cause a predisposition to palpitations and arrhythmia.

So -- any words of wisdom about these things are most welcome. I'm feeling a distinct lack of wisdom about these matters......

hair & GI stuff

It's freezing here. It would have been nice if I could have just followed my doctor's plan and been done with chemo -- the timing was such that I would have had a little fur cover for winter, and been starting radiation now, which is a nice topical burning, just right for when it's freezing outside.

I mean if you have to do it, isn't winter the time? You know? But no, I have to be stubborn and have more chemo. I still stand by my reasons -- most of the time -- I hope. But the timing was better the other way. I mean, I can't really complain about hitting winter when I'm going into my 3rd course of chemo, given that each course is 3 months long and I had to stop for surgery after the 2nd, & take a break before and after it of a month each. I did in fact do chemo for my three favorite seasons since the start of my breast cancer treatment -- but they're over now.... just because when you're not in PR, seasons happen!

I do worry that this part will be the hardest just because it's winter. I always have a hard time with winter, so why should this one be different? It is better since we moved (3 month winters here, as opposed to 5.5 month winters in BOston. They were so long there, I used to feel like a mole blinking in the sunlight after they ended. Here they actually end soon enough that I still remember who I am afterwards -- whew!)

ANyway -- my hair is falling out again. It wasn't keeping me very warm anyway -- it's only an inch or two long, and the first inch is thin and white. It's nice that most of it started coming in thicker and brown after the chemo hair. (I had hair while I was on weekly taxol, but it was white and soft, like a baby duck. Not quiiite real hair. I did worry about the white, but I think most of it was just temporary actually. I did have some real white hair before, and it was thick and wiry, not wispy and flyaway.) Anyway this is not a big deal -- except that I have to get my friend to come shave me again before I get hair all over -- or worse, under -- everything. (Will have to start wearing hats when I dress, so I don't get hair under my shirt and itch all day like after a new haircut.)

What's more of a problem for me is that I have been having GI problems for the last week. It just occurred to me that it could be the chemo. I will ask. I haven't had that before, from chemo -- however I have also not had GI problems before chemo that remained unresolved after a day or two of low eating and bland food diet. It's not a tummy ache; I don't get those. It's gas and bloating, very gross and uncomfortable. They said the chemo could cause diarrhea or constipation, but this is neither. Feels like my gut would prefer if I didn't eat much of anything really -- which wouldn't be the best idea, nutritionally, if it has to go on for months.... I will have to check in with them about it.

Oops

I lost track of time this afternoon and didn't call the cardiologist's office until it was closed..... I actually managed to get distracted despite a couple of reminders in the interim! If I'd been able to call in the morning it would have been fine; I usually do a good job getting important stuff done when I can get it done first. THing is, the doctor wanted me to call late in the day..... and I guess that's a time when lots of things happen around here and I'm busy doing mom stuff and my own stuff gets left til later.

So anyway I won't find out til MOnday. I wasn't planning to do any heavy exercise over the weekend anyway, I don't think...... but I'm disappointed to have to wait that long for such a dumb reason. I considered leaving a message for the on-call doctor...... but the outgoing message said clearly that any non emergency calls would not be answered.

Great Cardiologist! and a knee comment

The cardiologist was great. He did an EKG and had some blood drawn for things I don't usually have checked (like potassium and magnesium) and had me schedule an echocardiogram. (That's on Thursday.) The EKG was normal, and he said to call the day after the echo, and go easy on the biking til we have the results, though he thinks they will probably be okay. (He said not to worry about anything else I do.) He explained a lot of stuff. I will try to have questions ready for Friday -- since he seemed great about answering them all.

He didn't seem to mind that I had biked there..... (I didn't tell him it wa 13 miles each way, but he HAS my address.) I think the main thing was, I have been biking wearing a heart rate monitor and making sure my HR stays within range -- in my case my max is 180, so try to keep it under like 175, and usually under 170. I did tell him that. Today it was easier than yesterday -- I think my HR is better, though it could be that I was riding slower because my R knee is hurting. (Don't think so, though, given the time -- and my resting HR is a little better too.) I think he was cool about the biking because he has a biking past -- in fact he said he and my oncologist met 20 years ago as biking buddies! (Now why does that make me feel like I'm in good hands? But it does!)

I don't mind missing tomorrow's ride, though it is out to the bread store in Herndon..... but actually my right knee has been talking to me. Given the 26 miles I rode today and the 26 I rode yesterday (and the 26 I am probably going to be riding again on thursday -- to get the echocardiogram!) I think my knee would like to go to the chiropractor tomorrow and go swimming.

On knees -- I don't know if I mentioned this, but my Mayo oncologist explained that I have two separate benign conditions in my two separate knees. I had asked him to order an MRI on my right knee, as something had been seen on it on an Xray of my hip @ g-town -- but I had mentioned the irony that it's my left knee that usually gives me enough trouble to go to the chiropractor .... so he ordered a scan of them both. At the time I didn't appreciate it, because I was hoping to see the pathology from my removed breast, but now that I've seen it and am dealing with it and my KNEE hurts, I think it's really neat that he took the time to explain it and show me pictures of it. (I think it's SO COOL when doctors do wonderful things like that. I have had a lot of luck lately with that kind of thing, haven't I???)

Now if I were really together I'd find that knee report and bring it to the chiropractor. WOuldn't that be smart? I'll write myself a note..... too tired now. Now what I need to do is walk the dog and make dinner -- but what I really WANT to do is have a hot bath. :-D

Cardiologist Visit tomorrow

So tomorrow I go to see this cardiologist and hope he knows what kind of test to do (echo-cardiogram? EKG? MUGA scan? All of the above?) At least I have a problem I know needs addressed, NOW, thanks to Joan, who brought me her husband's heart rate monitor yesterday and then today loaned me her blood pressure cuff -- despite the fact that the pulsing I got on Thanksgiving day has not recurred.

My BP looks okay, low normal as usual. HOwever, my heart rate is abnormal. It's never been as low as you would think for someone who does as much regular physical activity as I do...... and I guess it did go up 5-10 beats/min during my first 6 months of chemo. However, it's now 20 beats/min above normal. I'm talking I'm getting resting pulses around 100.

I had an eye appointment today and I biked to it wearing this heart rate monitor, being careful not to let my HR go above 170-175, which is a good upper limit for me during vigorous exercise. Except today I got up to it without a whole lot of vigor...... Biking up small hills would get me above 160, which is nuts. I'm really glad I had the monitor, because without it it would really not have been intuitive to ride that slowly. Joan came with me (because she's just that way.) I asked her what our pace was a couple of times, so I know I was getting heart rates in the 160s at 10-11 mph.

I was on my old mountain bike -- and once we were going slightly uphill on the CCT -- and the other time going slightly downhill, but with a headwind. Still I'm not sure I could keep up with the Babes at the pace I would need to ride to keep my HR in a safe range, even on the Pilot (my nice road bike.)

So.... while I have had no recurrence of the Thanksgiving pulsing, I have something to bring to the cardiologist. I need to know what is going on with me and have it addressed -- by medicine, stopping the chemo, whatever. (Of course so far I'm hearing denial that the chemo or steroids could have caused this -- but something did, and it happened a week after I had them, so it seems kinda like a logical connection to look for, you know?)

I sure hope this guy knows what to do, and that something can be done that works. At this point I'm not sure how much I can ride my bike, though the monitor is a godsend (maybe I should make up a new word -- "joansend"?) and I'm afraid to swim (even though I can!) because I can't wear the heart rate monitor in the water ..... and of course I don't dare have sex......

Aren't I maybe a wee bit young and healthy for this kinda thing? Yeah I know I have breast cancer, and it was caught kinda late -- but even with that and this heart rate stuff, I still feel healthy -- particularly healthy, healthier than most, as usual. The only thing that bothered me today really was my right knee, on the ride back from Chevy Chase. My knees apparently each have separate benign conditions, my Mayo oncologist told me after the MRI of them. Nice to know, you know? Maybe if I can't ride on Wednesday I'll pay a visit to my favorite chiropractor and have it, um, fixed (I don't think I've seen him since before my mastectomy.) Then if I'm cleared to, maybe I can go swimming.....

Chest Throb @ T-giving

I got this weird symptom yesterday -- it started around the time we were eating dinner I think. My chest throbbed -- on both sides, like a band across my chest -- I would say about three big beats, every time I got up, once when I sat on the toilet, and once when I drank a glass of water! Before I went to sleep when it had still not resolved, I called the oncologist on call at my onc's practice, and he had no idea what it could be. The chemo combo I'm on now isn't known to have any cardiovascular side effects, he denied it could be the 4 days of steroids I was on last week (hmmmmm...... ) and thought it might possibly be a late side effect of the adriamycin I took over the summer.

He said not to do any biking or running over the weekend, and to try to get an echocardiogram on Monday. He said that perhaps the cardiologist would try to induce the throb.

I know it's thanksgiving weekend, but I'm pretty sure there will be no sign of this by MOnday (I've barely felt any trace of it today.) I'm worried that nothing will be found out, and I will not know how careful I have to be about exercise for the next few months, and will worry about the next chemo infusion..... and even if this has something to do with the adriamycin I took over the summer how can the steroids not be part of it......? I mean I took them for 4 days -- and barely slept for 5 nights because of them!

Anyway....... I'm bummed because I have an eye appointment on Monday I want to go to -- by bike of course. I will have to change it to Tuesday or Thursday (but not later because I need to see what all those steroids did to my eyes!) I hope this is nothing serious and that they can know that....... I did walk the dog today (a little slower at first, and 3 miles rather than 4) and had no symptoms at all. I've been walking every day for the last few (usually 4 miles w/dog) but nothing more. I had planned to swim one day this weekend, but maybe I will wait now til this is resolved ........ or something!

On the bright side I did feel better today.......... I've been sleeping a lot, and have been having these wonderful meals cooked by my husband. (This is not because of the cancer, either -- he always makes thanksgiving dinner. Am I lucky or what? He cooks every weekend, too, but not like he does at Thanksgiving.) In fact this year he made me this sugar free sweet potato pie to die for. I'm hoping no one else likes it...... I've eaten about half of it, and so far so good! :-) They've finished their pumpkin pie though.......

Yesterday we had a great thanksgiving at home. We had my mom & a wonderful guest I could not believe drove 3 hours each way to spend Thanksgiving with us in the middle of preparing to defend her PhD dissertation ...... I knew her when we were kids, and every time I've seen her since we've been grownups I am blown away....... She's gone of course-- stayed less than 24 hours -- but she was here, really, I didn't make it up!

Anyway if anyone knows anything about chest throbs after or during chemo or anything I'm listening. It was a bit disconcerting to find the onc on call so clueless about it. I was so hoping he'd say "Oh yeah that! It's because of the whatsis -- should be gone in a day or two. Yeah have an echocardiogram to make sure but don't worry." Oh well. At least I should have no trouble getting the echo.

nauseous

So after the steroid buzz wore off I was surprised to wake up on Monday morning with chemo nausea --talk about a delayed reaction! I did forget to push fluids -- next time I will have to remember to drink 2-3 liters a day. I did fine with this over the summer (I ate a watermelon every 2-3 days when water started tasting bad) but it's not so instinctive to push fluids when it's cold out -- and I think the nurse didn't worry about going through all the symptoms with me because I've been through chemo before, and really just a little while ago. (Too bad about my short attention span....)

I think pushing fluids will make a difference -- but I am also considering switching my chemo day from Thursday to Tuesday. Because I need to be on steroids for so many days I was wakeful and energetic and sleepless Wednesday through Sunday, and wiped out on Monday, and still tired today. The sleeplessness might work better Monday through Friday, when the alarm goes off at 6am, with the weekend to rest.....

Anyway that's a thought. And now I'm going to grab a nap and hope I get get out to walk and/ or swim later this morning. It's nice out -- pretty good biking weather! (low 40s) Two days in a row I'm missing it....... and these were the days I had this week; kids are off tomorrow and thanksgiving stuff starts....... On the other hand it looks like it will stay in the 40s through the weekend, so, hmm, we'll see what I can fit in!

Steroid Buzz

I had to take steroids Wednesday through Saturday, and it was too much. I don't even know about my eye pressures yet, though they do feel on the firm side -- right now I'm just talking about the choppy sleep and the crankiness. I anticipated it, and was careful to exercise every day, but I have still needed pharmaceutical help to sleep, every night...... and have never gotten more than a couple of uninterrupted hours at a time (& more often 1-1.5.)

Even so I skipped the last dose, yesterday afternoon. The doc said that the post chemo steroids were about avoiding fluid retention, and that the most dangerous place would be in the lungs -- and that he thought i'd be at a lower risk of it because of all the exercise. We did talk about dropping the last day or cutting the dose next time, if I did fine this time. I will bring that up before my next chemo.......

I'm also wondering whether maybe I should switch chemo days; Thursday is a good day if I'm going to be tired, because I can rest on the weekend -- but if I'm not going to be able to sleep, maybe I want to do it on Tuesdays instead, since I have to get up at 6-6:30 on weekdays.

Course I already made a friend I expect to see next time -- but I'd make others. I did get her email address, so I could tell her what happened.

I'm also feeling bothered by the cold. This is nothing new, though.... just winter, arriving early.

First Carboplatin-Taxotere chemo

It went fine. I biked there AND back, 26 miles on fat tires. (It's the same building as my glaucoma doctor, and I have finally gotten a clear idea of how many miles it is, because Joan came, and she has an odometer on her hybrid -- I don't have one of my mountain bike....) I didn't know how it would be, but the nurse heard what chemo meds I had taken before and predicted that this would be the easiest of the three. Wow! They did give me antinausea premeds -- and either they work great or I wasn't going to get nauseous.... I got hungry on the way home and told Joan I hadn't brought a big enough lunch -- and came home and ate a big dinner, which is unusual for me.

Yeah I know -- just watch the steroids bulk me up. I am starting at 115, so 120 would be fine. We will see what happens -- my chemo buddies from G-town gained lots more than that and it's winter..... I will just have to see if I can keep biking; that's important for my sanity and sleep and the sanity of my family...... :-D

then I got home and thought, hmm, maybe body aches. But then I realized I was feeling my surgery site, which is still kind of tender, especially where the numbness is thawing out.

Alan was very sweet and took the day off, and came to chemo (my idea since he seemed to nervous about my having a reaction and their ability to handle it. He got to see that these nurses looked like they knew what they were doing -- as did Joan and I.) Then he scooted as soon as he'd seen me get the first 15 mins of taxotere (the last drug they gave me) and ascertained that I was not having an allergic reaction -- and got home in time to meet EMily after school. I got home just in time to change and pick up Matthew at school after his debate meeting.

And now I'm going to go have a little rest. And maybe a hot bath....... and lie with Emily, if she likes. (another rest. That will take care of both evening eyedrops.) :-)

OH I almost forgot. When I was talking with Em last night, we talked about what carboplatin sounded like it should be, since it doesn't really sound like a medication. She thought it sounded like a credit card. I think it sounds like the next generation of fancy bikeframes. I told her she just has to play the dictionary game....... Hmmm, I need to talk to some friends about finding time for a game night soon......

Chemo Tomorrow -- taxotere & carboplatin

I swam a whole mile on Tuesday with my right arm doing strokes the regular way! I had planned to do it for jsut a little while, but it felt so right, like something had gotten fixed.... that I did the whole mile with my arm coming out of the water like it's supposed to.

And my mastectomy scar looks great. (I put vitamin E oil on it a lot.) I don't mind being lopsided - and it's not exactly that I'm not vain; I just really don't think it looks that bad.

So now that I'm feeling well I'm going to start more chemo tomorrow. It was a tough decision, and the irony is that the person who probably helped me make it the most was the oncologist at Georgetown who won't do it. (Go figure.) She called last night and we talked for a good hour.

Anyway this stuff won't be a walk in the park -- Alan has been checking up on it and has found a lot of blood toxic side effects. I'll get neulasta after every dose, to boost my white count, even though they are 3 weeks apart. Nothing to be done about the platelets, though. I wish I knew what to eat or something to boost them.... if anyone knows, please do tell! (Red count goes down too -- I'll eat venison. I'll see if they are okay with my taking nettles which also boosts iron -- but not like venison!) Also I'll have to take steroids AND it might make me nauseous. Last time I slept a lot from the antinausea meds while on AC, and then I was more awake after the steroids from taxol. this time I'll need both, so what will that be like? Alan thinks I should not bike the week that the platelets are at their nadir (low point.) But I don't know; the other stuff wasn't a walk in the park either, but I was okay after one low weekend, each time. SO we will see......

I'm thinking that it will be harder to avoid germs now than it was in the summertime. I made a soup this evening with lots of seaweed in it, to feed the thymus, which I hear helps avoid change of season respiratory infections. The only problem was, the kids weren't really into it. ALan will eat it some and I will mostly eat it -- but the idea was to try to keep the germs out of the house. Of course ALan and Em are already coughing and snuffling. (I have a tickle, too.... I will tell the doc.) Matthew doesn't sleep much during the week -- I think what's saved him so far is he keeps his distance from us most of the time! though he does hang out with me late at night if I'm up. So if the steroids keep me up..... I know, it's a really bad example. It's also quite nice.....

And on that note I should head up to bed. But first -- I have to tell one more little story. After I went swimming on Tuesday I was telling a woman in the locker room (who I know but don't see all that often) how proud I was of having been able to do the whole mile 3 weeks after surgery, my third time swimming, and that I was actually swimming the regular way already (regular out-of-the water strokes with my right arm, which I hadn't planned to do yet!) ANyway the woman looked down and said, "Gee, I don't see a scar." Now... granted, I hadn't taken my bathing suit off yet, or it would have been obvious, but one side was still clearly flat..... and bathing suits aren't baggy or anything....

Isn't it amazing what the brain will edit in when it expects something? If this gets out the plastic surgeons will all be out of work -- and even the people who make the prostheses!

Taxotere & Carboplatin, or Xeloda with Radiation?

The good news is, I found a doctor willing to prescribe and give me the chemotherapy that my Mayo onc recommended. He called the doctor at Mayo and spoke with him while I was in his office (and ascertained that the recommended therapy is taxotere with carboplatin, not taxol.) The twist is, he also had another thing to offer, which is this drug Xeloda taken with radiation. It enhances the effect of radiation. This didn't impress me at first, because I know radiation to be a local therapy only.

However, he said that radiation has systemic effects. It helps prevent not only recurrences but also metastases. They don't know why, but it has been proven via clinical trials. Interesting, isn't it? The thing is, I can't have both. I'm not sure why not.

He also said that he recommended tamoxifen be taken after radiation rather than with it, because in the lab it weakens the effect of radiation. ALSO he said that he wouldn't worry about the delay in starting tamoxifen for chemo, as long as I start it within say 8 months of my initial diagnosis. When we left his office ALan did some calculations and saw that in fact I would not be able to start tamoxifen until close to a year after my initial diagnosis, if I pursue this additional chemo. And if I don't..... if I do Xeloda plus radiation, I will make it. (I think he must know I wouldn't make it with the chemo, though. I will run this by him -- or the Mayo onc.)

Finally...... I made a chemo appointment for THursday. I have to confirm it tomorrow, or cancel or change it, because that's when they order the meds, 2 days ahead of time. I have three conflicting appointments on THursday so I have to cancel two tomorrow. It's a given that I will have to cancel the dental.... unfortunately there won't be time for me to have my teeth cleaned (unless I can squeeeze it in tomorrow -- and the hygentist can also squeeze me in) until after this new chemo -- if I take it. The other appointment is with Dr. Liu, who hasn't returned any of my emails or called me back since my appointment a week and a half ago. I would like to hear her take on the Xeloda with radiation question, but I would have to change my chemo appointment in order to see her.

I could change it til MOnday -- but then I'll lose the rest of next week and the option of biking (every time I take it -- one week per month.) This stuff will make me sick like the first 4 treatments, and Thursdays worked well for that because I got to recover on the weekends, with interesting kids around to entertain me and sometimes friends to help.) If I change it til a bit later in the day then I will have to make an arrangement for EMily for after school. I can do that.... but I just did it today, because Dr. Smith only sees new patients between noon and 2pm, and his open slot today was at 1.

Anyway those are the questions I have to ponder tonight. Of course I'm sleepy and want a nap -- or an early bedtime - instead. I'll lie with Emily when she's ready and do my eyedrops. I always like to get in a nap that way -- but she's getting so much older, she often keeps me up!

If anyone has any words of wisdom -- I'll take them!

:-D

2nd swim & chemo group get-togeter!

I did bike 42 miles on Wednesday, but you know what I realized? That sounds impressive to lots of you guys who aren't bikers -- but in fact biking is absolutely the kindest of my exercises to the site of my surgery. I mean, I hold my arm steady the whole time -- absolutely NO rotation or range of motion necessary. It's easier than walking the dog.

It's a good thing I got all those miles in on Wed because yesterday I didn't even get to bike to G-town and back, since it was raining-- and not warm and rainy like it was in the summer. (Then I biked anyway. Not yesterday.) Then after I saw the surgeon and got my medical records to bring to the doctor I have an appt with on Monday, I went up to the chemo floor to see Bonnie (who was having herceptin) and Barb, who was having -- today I think she was having herceptin and abraxane. (She alternates formulas -- and I think she has to tell them when she makes her appointments which combo it will be for that day.) ANyway I spent so much time with Bonnie and Barb that I had to rush to beat Emily home after school. (I had meant to pick her up.....)

Then today the ride was cancelled (wet & drizzly) so I walked Pinky 4 miles and swam 3/4 mile, as per the recovery instructions for my 2nd swim.

Next time I should be able to do a whole mile. However, because it hurt so much after the first time (only half a mile, last Monday) I swam differently this time. Most of the time I swam with my left arm coming all the way out as usual and my right arm doing the same motion but staying under the water – it was like a funny looking modified crawl. I realized that usually my right arm extends further than my left, because I turn left and breathe on the left, always – as I was taught to, in the 70s. (Now kids are taught to breathe on both sides.) I did pull my right arm out sometimes and do the stroke as it is usually done, so I know I can – but I did this mostly when I was close to done so that I’d get the whole 3/4 mies in w/o my pec seizing up this time. I want to work up to doing regular out-of-the-water strokes for the whole mile gradually. My thinking is, if I do it with my arm underwater a lot now, I seem to be able to swim a good distance now, and get a real workout, while still working up to being able to do it the usual way.

So far it seems to be working -- it's been almost 8 hours since I swam and I feel all right this time -- so far.

The other cool thing is, my chemo group is getting together tomorrow afternoon, for the first time without chemo! I had thought i'd have to miss the get together -- Matthew has a debate tournament and I'm a volunteer judge. Generally the school has to provide 1 judge per 4 students who will be competing. I was afraid Matthew would not be able to compete if I didn't judge tomorrow -- in which case Iwould have gone and judged and missed getting together with my friends. However, the debate coach found someone else instead of me -- I'm a little worried that I worried him, though. (I was tired when I wrote that email -- and I'm tired now. I might not have been all that tired at the debate, though...... though we do have to get up and out in the dark, and this way I'll be able to come home and get back in bed afterwards.....Thing is, it's not really because of chemo or surgery that i would want to -- it's really just because it's going to be a saturday morning at like 7am.

Swimming

Well I finally went swimming, on Sunday. The nurse practitioner who removed my 2nd drain, on Friday afternoon, said that it was okay to swim after 48 hrs. She also said to swim half what I usually swim the first time, 3/4 the 2nd time, and to leave at least a day in between the first two times. I usually swim a mile, so that's pretty clear and simple to figure out.

Of course I was planning to be in better shape than she thought, because I always figure I'm in better shape than they think. SO I got to the pool, got my suit on (looked a little funny on the flat right boob, but of course no one's really paying attention) and got into the water. It took me a quarter mile of alternating breast stroke lengths with semi crawl lengths* to get my right arm extended up to a reasonable crawl stroke, but I did it, and was pleased to have done it on my first day out. (* The semi-crawl started out as a nice crawl stroke with my left arm and little baby duck flap with my right.....) I was thinking that I'd do 3/4 mile rather than a half, because the first quarter was so wussy...... but just as I was finishing the last lap of the half mile my right pec clenched, as thought it suddenly noticed it was all alone out there without its breast! So I caved, and got out after having swum exactly the amount that the nurse practitioner had said and no more -- and made sure to take a 4-5 mile walk later with Pinky and a friend.

SO it was with some surprise that I discovered later that evening that something over near my right armpit was extremely sore -- I had to take a pain killer in the night! It hurt today, biking to my eye doctor with a backpack on -- but biking with backpack hadn't hurt any of the times when I'd gone to Georgetown last week, so I think I am still sore from that half mile swim.

I had been planning to do my 2nd swim tomorrow, the 3/4 mile -- but I'll find some other exercise instead if I'm still hurting this much in the morning.

Expectations

I discovered something. When I go around with only one boob and no prosthesis, nobody notices. I mean, I went to the infusion unit at Georgetown on Thursday to see a friend and a lot of the nurses said hi and asked how I was doing. I told them I'd had my mastectomy and that i wasn't wearing a prostheses -- I mean I did everything but pull up my shirt and still they were surprised. They got it, finally, with a jolt!

I think when people are expecting to see two boobs they mostly see two boobs. Maybe if I walk by a construction site or some other place where guys are actually particularly checking out women's boobs, maaaaaaybe....... but I will probably have to go do it to decide.

This discovery that people see what they expect sounds kinda familiar -- I think maybe this is one of those things I rediscover every couple of years. And not only me -- there's a lyric from a Simon and Garfunkle song I've always liked that goes "a man sees what he wants to see and disregards the rest." That's not exactly the same but it's pretty close.

Doctor Visit Today

My doctor really thinks more chemo is a bad idea. She won't prescribe it. However she then backed off a bit and said she'd talk to my mayo onc -- because though what he offers me is a gut, I want to have the benefit of his gut, you know? She doesn't want me stuck in the middle, which I appreciate, and if I decide I really want the stuff she says she's sure there are people in the area who would do it and that she will help me find one. So my job remains, to investigate it thoroughly and see what I want to do. The points she brought up is that the additional chemo is risky. Neutropenia I bet I can defeat (low white count -- sometimes febrile -- sometmes puts people in the hospital. My doc says she's had people die of it -- but I'm sure I wouldn't be one of them.) The other is leukemia, probably from the meds used to counteract the risk of neutropenia. That's a longer term risk. So the thing is if the anti cancer meds cause other cancers -- the risks need to be weighed. Also she thinks that slower growing hormone positive cancers often don't respond that great to chemo, and respond better to endocrine therapy, which would be delayed for this experiment with chemo.

So ..... while I prefer to make the choice myself, she IS looking out for me. And it is true what she says that "the chances are I've licked this thing." In other words, chances are better than 50% I won't have a recurrence or metastases. Not much better, but better. WHich means that the OTHER doctor's point is also well taken that there is a high risk that I will have a metastasis. Tough choice. I mean I'd love to be done with chemo, but only if it's the best thing to do.

Meanwhile in smaller news I have to keep the drain in at least one more day. I'm also leading the bikeride tomorrow -- which is perhaps the only activity that really gets my wiggles out without rubbing against the darned drain -- so that's good. It will be my first official babe ride, and longest, since the surgery. (I've biked to G-town and back twice -- that's 24 miles total, in 4 trips of 6, on fat tires. Tomorrow it's 32 on the fast bike, hopefully returning with warm bread in my backpack.)

After my visit to the doctors this AM i went up to see Barb. YOu'd think she'd be lonely but I think she's had people there every week so far since our chemos were done ...... Nancy got there before me today, in a sassy red wig! I will post some pix of them sometime -- though I didn't have my camara today, so no red wig pix -- yet. Speaking for myself, I don't visit Barb because I think she needs company -- but so I can have hers! She's a lot of things, but her positivity is the most surprising, because it shows up about the most unlikely things. I thought I was positive, but Barbara is truly the sunny side queen.

drain, biking, and tumor response/ plan detail

Okay so now I've had my mastectomy and I'm healing well -- I have one drain left in still and cleared for biking -- which I would have done today had the ride not been canceled. I napped, but only because there was no ride --then I walked Pinky 4 miles, and I did fine. SOmetimes I even held her with my right hand. I just had to hold her so that if she pulled I pulled back rather than having my arm yanked out of its socket right at the surgery site. She's pretty predictable, so I could do it. (Joan's stronger, but Pinky took Joan by surprise a lot last weekend -- that's harder to do to me, since I've been with her for 2 years.)

Anyway the tumor response to the chemo was mixed. I went through this two posts ago, but this is more detailed. One tumor shrank from 6 to 3 cm, and then half of the 3cm was still alive. The other tumor, which was a little under 2cm to start with, didn't respond much to the chemo at all. That's okay if that's all there was -- and the good thing is, the smaller tumor had cells that were grade 1 (the closest to normal. Grades are 1-3.) The larger tumor had grade 2 cells. It is possible that the larger tumor responded better to chemo because chemo targets rapidly growing cells (like hair! and red and white blood cells) and the smaller tumor didn't grow that fast. That should be hopeful, right? (I do hear about lots of people with much smaller breast cancers than mine which are much more aggressive. They respond better to chemo but there is always the worry that they might come back because if they do they will grow fast.)

ANyway the worry about the live tumor left, which responded only partially -- and the other one which didn't respond much at all, is that if they sent tentacles out into the rest of my body it's a bit scary, because maybe those micro tumors are still there. (They didn't show up on the pre-chemo scan.) SO my mayo onc suggests more chemo, a combo of taxol, which I just took in 12 weekly (small) doses, and carboplatin, in 4 big doses, starting in 2 weeks, 3 weeks apart. Pluses will be unknown, since there's no tumor left by which to measure its progress. Insurance should pay, because it's an approved therapy for other cancers (lung, ovarian, and metastatic breast cancer.) Mine's not metastatic -- the point is to nip it in the bud, because it's at high risk of that happening. The minuses are, it delays the radiation (not a problem according to the rad onc at the Mayo because the closest margin was 2mm) and the tamoxifen, which is the hormone therapy. That should be okay as long as I keep having hot flashes (I ought to be able to manage that for two more weeks.... and after that the chemo ought to keep them I would think) and keep avoiding soy and beef...... I'm not worried about side effects -- I mean I won't enjoy them, but I should be able to handle them; I've handled this whole chemo thing pretty well I think. ALan does have one more scientific worry about what if there are cancer cells in my body which partially respond but which learn how to fight off the chemo..... There is no way of knowing and I still think that the plusses of whopping them in the ass NOW have to be worth the risk.

NO, I think the hardest part will be, will my G-town onc go for it or will I have to get on a plane every time I want to get the darned chemo and get it in minnesota......? I will try to think positive, since I'm seeing her in the morning. She's a good onc, but I'm afraid she will see the question in terms of which is safer for HER, and that is going to come up on the side of the tried and true therapy. WHich is better for ME is a more interesting question -- really hard to know the answer to. I hope she will help me with it. Alan thinks I should go in with that question on the table, assuming that it is my choice (as it should be) and jsut ask her help with it. I will try to do that; it's a good approach, I think. Then if she actually says she will not prescribe it I will ask her to please reconsider as I am seriously considering doing it.....

Meanwhile I signed up to lead the bike ride on Friday -- and tomorrow I'll bike to Georgetown. OH and the surgeon was right about the fevers I think -- they never returned. Obviously biking cures more ailments than they think. (Do I hear breast cancer??) :-D

Course my drain's not cooperating with my appointment schedule. Drain #2 is supposed to come out tomorrow. Well it put out under 30ccs on Monday and will do that again today, easily, but YESterday it put out 40. I'm supposed to have it pulled if it puts out under 30 for 2 consecutive days..... I called to change my surgical appt to Friday afternoon (Alan's here so it's okay about the kids) but no one answered -- all afternoon! My appt is tomorrow at 9am, so I just have to go to it and ask, and probably have hustled for nothing and have to make another appointment for Friday afternoon. I will let her pull it if she thinks the extra it put out might have had something to do with drain #1 having been pulled that day -- she had said that it might put out less, and the site where drain #1 was pulled from might leak a lot. Well it didn't leak at all, and drain #2 put out more that day. I am sure she will know if this is a common thing that is about the removed drain.....

It was wierd that I couldn't reach anyone about the surgical question -- or even get a voicemail! When I met her (yesterday) the surgeon had bristled at the fact that I'd had my surgery done out of state by a non famous surgeon. But see, the Mayo would never just not be available like that -- there would always be a way to find them. And there was no pre-surgery sedative needed at the mayo, either ..... they are just that nice, and warm -- and they come hang out with the patients before surgery -- I bet the patients are all relaxed! I know I was, and that's not something I do from the inside out, but with help from others. Hard to explain that I went for the whole place rather than for one particular person........

1 drain down, 1 left

Probably she could have taken both, but you never know, so I'll go back on Thursday to have the other one out. She said there was no sign of infection and guessed that my fevers might be from stuff in my lungs leftover from anesthesia. She said I was probably not clearing them completely.

Funny thing is, I woke stronger today (despite a fever) and decided to bike -- which turns out to be just what the doctor ordered! She said to get back to my regular exercise routine. She said no reason not to bike with the Babes now if I feel up to it and swimming I should be able to do a couple of days after the last drain is removed. (That should happen on Thursday, so Saturday.)

She asked about my range of motion, which isn't bad. I can't reach the right arm straight up, but I'm just leaning about a foot. It might not impact swimming too much -- I'll see. They made a PT appt for me -- the first available, on 11/17.

The surgeon also pointed out that it's time for me to get a mammogram now, on my left breast. I was thinking I should have it in 6 months, but in fact during these past 6 months (since my last mammo) I've been dealing with the OTHER breast. And she looked at my mammos, because I voiced a clear lack of confidence in the use of mammograms in general.

That was interesting. She said they were good mammograms, and that she could see the cancer clearly on the "clean" mammo I had last March. She showed it to me and said "LOok, can't you see it?" The two tumors were lit up. She showed it to me on the previous mammogram too (2006) but said that it was easy to see in that one mostly in retrospect, because she knew exactly where to look for the cancer, from the later mammos.

So while she didn't exactly SAY that the Arlington Hospital people screwed up......

Meanwhile I'm trying not to peek at the election returns. I voted 2 weeks early in case of surgical complications. (Even minor complications, had they kept me at the Mayo, would have had me in the wrong STATE -- and here I am in a swing state this time!!!) I am sad that Obama's grandma missed this day.

Challenges

I've been having fevers for the last 24 hrs. Very low fevers, 100° tops, with chills and body aches like the flu. My flu shot was last Wednesday in the hospital, so it's too late for that to be the cause. I called my Mayo team last night, but since the surgical and drain sites look fine my surgeon's resident said it can't be anything serious. I wonder if I've managed to finally catch something from one of the kids. They really don't have much going on, though, and I managed to catch nothing from them for the 6 months I was on chemo..... so I wonder if maybe it's some infection in the drains.

That makes me a bit nervous, but I'm going in tomorrow because to have one of them removed. Drain #1 has been putting out less than 30 ccs for 3 days now, and I'm supposed to have it removed after it's done that for 2. My "real" appt. is Thursday. I will change it unless drain #2's output goes down tomorrow. (That one's been putting out closer to 45ccs. That's the lymph drain.) ANyway I will tell the doctor about the fevers and see if I can get some antibiotics -- or what she thinks of how it all looks. This is a new doctor for me, a surgeon at G-town who agreed to do follow up care for my Mayo surgery so I could come home. (It looks mostly fine, but there ARE these wierd symptoms....)

I was feeling so much better -- went for a 4 m walk with Joan yesterday -- but these new symptoms are a setback; now I've been mostly sleeping. (Good thing ALan's taking most of the week off.)

The other challenge is my Mayo Oncologist's recommendation. I haven't had the energy to write about this here before, but now I will try. My pathology findings were that the tumor had shrunk to half its original size, and the remaining tumor was almost 50% dead, and over 50% live tumor. So my Onc said that I have a choice, go forward with tamoxifen and radiation (which at the Mayo are done together ROUTINELY, btw) and keep our fingers crossed, or do 4 more rounds of chemo first.

He recommends taxol and carboplatin. That combo is approved for use with metastatic cancer and lung cancer and ONE other thing -- so there will be no problem with insurance, he says. However, we won't be able to measure how well it's working, because my breast tumor is gone -- so it's possible that we will be just losing time. However, the taxol worked -- albeit slowly -- and I have no reason to think it was done working. And the fact that it works with metastatic cancer is actually good -- because the POINT is to kill any micro tumors that might not have gotten killed during the course of the chemo.....

The challenge is, will my G-town oncologist go for it? And if she doesn't, what will I do then? Getting on a plane to go to Mayo 4 times to get the chemo seems a bit much....

Home Again

Got home last night in the middle of Halloween. Barry managed to watch our kids for the week and STILL be interested in picking us up at the airport! He even parked and came out and met us! (He comes here often enough that I never do that anymore.....) Then I got home and found all the little improvements he'd made while he was here. There's a mirror in the downstairs bathroom now (on the wall I mean, besides the medicine chest one above the sink), a big fancy antenna for the TV that actually works, a new flourescent bulb for over the kitchen sink and... here's the big one -- a motion sensor light on the outside of the house! Last time Barry visited (just COlumbus day weekend) we'd taken a long walk at night and I'd pointed out a motion sensor light and mentioned that I'd always wanted one of those. I wasn't hinting, really.... at that point I was still thinking Kathy and Ted might be coming last week.

I asked the kids about it and they confirmed that Barry did indeed spend a lot of time at Home Depot last week.....

ANyway I am feeling pretty well, just more tired than usual. I mean, I feel like myself mostly, just sticking out in funny places (that's the drains, which I stick in these drain pockets in this camisole they prescribed at the Mayo.) However, I slept late today and then I took a nap -- and didn't walk the dog. It was a beautiful day -- I will have to get out earlier tomorrow and/or Monday so I don't miss the nice days -- I am allowed to walk the dog, even 4 miles if I feel like it, as long as I hold her in my left hand. (This might be the time to consider getting a "gentle leader" to discourage pulling....)

It's nice that ALan's making dinner. Hopefully he will be able to stay home the first half of next week and keep doing that. I got to Farmer's Market today without driving (Barry took me and brought me home before getting into the taxi he'd prearranged.) I'm not on any narcotics, but my right arm is a little stiff and sore and it's nice not to drive. ANyhow I might have gotten enough in the way of veggies to get us through the first half of the week until maybe I feel like driving again?

The wierdest thing is the itching. I itch in places I can't scratch, because they're numb (probably that's why I'm feeling so little pain) and even in places I don't HAVE anymore, like my right nipple. (What am I supposed to do about THAT? Call the Mayo and ask them to find it and scratch it?) Oh yeah and there is the buzzing after I strip and empty the drains. I'm pretty sure it's fluid draining out of me, but it feels more like my cell phone is going off while clipped to my side and set to vibe. (Of course my cell phone is on the other side of the room in my backpack, sent to ring, and it's nice and quiet.)

My flowers from the Bethesda Babes actually made the journey back, wrapped in a wet washcloth and plastic bag, and carried on the plane, with the nice glass vase packed in a suitcase. We took a few flowers from the arrangements Judy and Jeff sent too, and mixed them in. The others I gave to the nurses, who totally deserved them -- I haven't been to many hospitals, but I can tell you that I most definitely got superior care at that one (Rochester Methodist.) ANyway the flowers are now on the dining room table.

I'm allowed to walk and work out at home on the elliptical, as soon as I feel up to it, and allowed to bike for transportation as long as I feel balanced. I'm not on a narcotic, but I do have this stuff called ultram -- or tramidol, which I take at bedtime. Just one. It makes me sleepy and takes away what little discomfort I have from the surgery. Last night I rigged up a pillow structure so I could sleep face down and it was delicious.

I'm probably forgetting something -- but dinner's ready, so I'll leave it there.

Recovery

Thanks for all your well wishes, flowers, balloons, dinners, visits,prayers...... my goodness, no wonder I'm making such a speedy recovery, with all this help and support!

I'm going to spend one more night in the hospital, though it was my choice -- if I lived around here I'd likely have gone home, but the hotel wasn't so tempting. Plus, the nurses promised not to wake us every 4 hours to check our vitals tonight.

My surgery went well, and I feel pretty good. I have more arm mobility than I expected. I'm just a bit sore on the right, and can't sleep on my stomach. I have these drains I've been wearing on the outside of my clothes, but I guess outside of the hospital I should probably figure out how to fit them inside of my clothes. They're sort of gross, these two dangly plastic balls with body fluids in them -- but I guess guys do it all the time. ...

We're meeting with the PT people tomorrow and the oncologist. So far it looks like only 2 positive nodes were found during surgery, which makes a total of 3 with the initial one I had removed. If that is the final number it should bode well for me.

And now I'm going to sleep..... my surgeon's resident is going to come wiggle my leg at 6am.

Nadine is in her room and resting. She was pretty aware when she got settled and looks pretty good for having endured 3 1/2 hours of surgery. I won't be surprised if she is blogging and emailing before we leave Rochester, most likely on Friday.

Surgery finished - in recovery

Nadine's surgery began at 8:30 am and was finished at noon. I spoke with her doctor, who said it went very well. I've just been told that she's ready to be moved up to her hospital room, and will be brought up as soon as they have an orderly available. The room is small, so we have to clear out of it so that they can bring her in.

More later.

Nadine surgery update 1

Not being a morning person, Nadine was asked to report to the hospital at 5:45 am this morning. She was brought to pre-op at about 7 am, and the surgery began at 8:30 am. We have somewhat conflicting information regarding how long the surgery will take - it may take 2 hours, or it may take 3 - 4 hours. She'll then be in recovery for a couple of hours before being brought to her room.

Nadine was in great spirits this morning, until they told her she couldn't bring her pen and paper down to the pre-op to take notes!

At the Mayo again

I have to report for surgery at 5:45am tomorrow. (I bet they scheduled the morning people for noon....) Tonight I ate dinner with Alan and Mom and Zack and Lynn, and it was great, like a party! Lynn looks like a million bucks, boobless and with this great short haircut. (She says she looks a lot like her brother, now.) I had to remind myself that she used to have breasts. She looked good then, but she may well look better, now.

And the thing I was the most worried about Barry seems to be taking good care of.... apparently my kids have been helping!

I met everyone today except for the anesthesiologist, who I meet in the morning. And when I asked my surgeon today if she was going to write something on my breast to make sure she got the right one, she wrote her initials on my breast. It cracks me up, as though my breast is hers, now.

It will all be over before I celebrate my birthday on Wednesday (yeah, in the hospital -- but hopefully cancer free....) That works for me. Actually, I'm goign to get my knee scanned on my b-day -- if I remember! Even if I'm still in the hospital -- the scan is in the same building. It's my right knee -- because when they scanned my right hip last summer at G-town, when I was having that right butt pain like when I drive for a long time, they saw something they have to make sure is normal. (It's something my onc wanted done and I didn't get done, and suddenly realized that if it's NOT normal I want it known while I'm here.)

Anyway I should go to bed for a bit -- or at least shut this off so Alan and Mom can sleep. (I'm sharing a hotel room with them -- and then after surgery I'm sharing a hospital room with someone I don't know. I could have asked for a private roomfor $50 more -- but I honestly don't know if I will need it. I don't sleep through light and noise -- but I brought earplugs and my favorite ripped shirt to put over my eyes.....

Alan will update tomorrow, he says. Good night and thanks everyone for all your wonderful support. I don't always answer all the emails but I love them.

2nd chemo party and more getting ready

Today was the end-of-chemo pyjama party for BOnnie, CHristine, & Nancy -- though Nancy's chemo ends next week -- and Barb's is ongoing. I went up there after my appt with the radiation oncologist and was pointed immediately to the far corner, where they were curtained off! They WERE wearing PJs! Bonnie wore mismatched flannel pjs (which she'd worn to her doctor visit beforehand -- and you guys think i'm shameless!) Barb wore baby blue ones and a cap, CHristine wore something slinky and revealing (as BOnnie had predicted) and Nancy wore shimmery pink pjs with a matching pink wig!

Kelly didn't have pjs on and I didn't either. I couldn't wear jammies to bike there in the morning (too cold) and my backpack was full with the scans I needed to bring the RadOncs, the fruit for the party, and a dry top to ride home in ..... but actually I don't wear pjs. I wear a favorite old comfy oversized shirt and torn long undies to bed. They aren't pretty but they feel yummy. That's when it's cold -- and then in the middle of the night I get a hot flash and off they all come!

I don't see how anyone could wear pjs with tops that button, to bed. I like to sleep on my tummy and the buttons would get in the way. (I know, I know -- I am worried about how I'm going to sleep after the mastectomy with the scar and the drains in my chest....... I still have the body pillow I used when I was pregnant -- maybe I could use pillows for this somehow? I should just go to bed now and get a head start on all the sleep I'll have trouble getting later.... yeah right.

I took pictures of the party -- soon as some talented kid helps me upload them I'll share them.

I've now seen both RadOncs in the same dept and will have some trouble choosing between them -- it didn't help that they work well together so they kinda tag teamed..... He answered all my questions last Monday and she agreed with his answers so we didn't do that again, and she did the physical exam so he didn't need to. I mean it was great, but it seems I should see both of them, since they work so well together! But it would be just one, and they would cover for one another -- so I have to choose, tomorrow.

Also tomorrow I'm going on my last bikeride before surgery. I'm leading it. I figure it's neat to go out with a bit of a bang, and anyway I owe the Babes for all the support -- they got me through my chemo on my bike!!! Especially Joan. It's her birthday tomorrow but she can't come on the ride. Luckily I've had lots of rides with her, including Wednesday's. No time to get anyone presents for any reason now -- birthday, end of chemo..... it will have to be later -- maybe at that little artesan shop by the mayo..... if I feel well enough after surgery. At least I'm not celebrating my own birthday, so it shouldn't feel too personal...... (My birthday is on Wed 10/29, the day after my surgery.) Of course you could argue that I AM celebrating my birthday, but getting the cancer cut out once and for all! (we hope.) I did mean to celebrate this week with the kids (I was so overdue when I was supposed to be born that I figure it's my birthday almost all month) but of course the # of things to do multiplied and I have hardly been home in the afernoons. (I got both kids flu vaccines, brought Matthew to PT for his baseball shins, and tomorrow I take Em to the orthodontist. Alan has to get the flu shot at the Mayo, as do I, if I am allowed to -- jury's still out on that.)

last weekend and getting ready for surgery

The driving was fine last weekend (I was surprised!) and the wedding was well worth it. And the water tasted good! I knew it would -- and brought empty jugs and filled them -- marvelling at the fact that the water from the bathroom sink in the Catskills is better than the stuff from our expensive filter here. It was nice to be able to drink lots of water and be able to trust it.

Joan loaned me electronics for the car, which helped with the kids in the car -- and that may be what tires me more than the driving, actually. They only used them on the way out, not back -- but still they helped.

Today instead of biking I voted, went to three grocery stores (ugh, but we were out of so much food, and I need to leave the house stocked for my kids and Barry, who will be staying with them.) I also went to the bank and went swimming. (I got a mile and 2 lengths in in 42 mins, so I'm speeding up again -- or at least I'm once again able to speed up when I'm late.) Now I can ride tomorrow, and Friday. ON Thursday I have to go to G-town to see the 2nd radiation oncologist (saw the first on MOnday) and afterwards I go upstairs to the chemo party -- it's BOnnie and Christine's last chemo day, and Nancy's 2nd last. I will bring the fruit, but I don't know what to do about the pyjamas. Maybe they will give me a pass -- I wouldn't be able to fit them in my backpack on top of my scans and slides (for the Rad Onc) and fruit salad. That oughtta get me out of it.... in fact the real problem is that I don't really wear pyjamas; I usually wear old comfortable tops and long undies and socks to bed, when it's cold -- and nothing, when it's warm. (Birthday suit is not always the same as party clothes....)

I still have lists of things to do before I leave for Minnesota -- flu vaccines, take Matthew to physical therapy, Emily to the orthodontist, make copious lists for Barry, who has known them since forever but never taken care of them. (My in laws would have been easier that way, but Kathy is still not well enough to travel after her surgery on 10/1.) I am already making lists for after we get back, because I won't get it all done.... Maybe after I get there I will get nervous about the surgery itself -- at the moment I can't get past the thought of leaving the kids for a week. I find myself hoping it has something to do with her tylenol-only pain management, because I don't think I'm going to have time to be laid up for anything like that long....

Meanwhile, the trip is coming together. We will fly on Sunday, Mom will come on Monday, and we get a bonus -- Zack and Lynn will come from Chicago!

And now I should probably sleep..... this IS recovery month, after all. Sleep is my weak link, I know..... I did a good job at dinner, though -- I had venison. (I had all month to work on boosting my iron, so in typical Nadine fashion I'm cramming it in in the last week......)

:-D

chemo fatigue

I so wanted to make it to georgetown to see my chemo buddies today -- but I had so much trouble getting myself up and awake that the day is too much gone for me to do that AND get the car to the mechanic, which is important given the drive to the Catskills tomorrow.

I'm worried about that too -- we're psyched to go to Steve and Liz's wedding!! (Steve is ALan's cousin.) However, I don't love driving, and 6.5 hrs each way is a long time, and there really isn't another reasonable way to get to the Catskills. Steve hooked us up with some other people around here to try to carpool with, and we were going to rent a minivan -- but it fell through because they wanted to leave early and Matthew needs to go to school first. At least he has a half day so we can leave at 12:30..... It makes sense -- the wedding weekend starts with a barbecue on Friday night, which we will probably miss (We might have made half of it with other drivers for me to trade off with -- but they have a shot at making the whole thing.) AND schools around here are uptight about missed days --especially high school. (Em would have missed the day happily -- but she's in 6th grade. Matthew's in 10th, and has 2 tests on Friday....)

ANyway. I have to get going so I can at least get the car to the mechanic. I guess I'm not surprised to be tired -- I did bike 70 miles in the past 2 days -- however, it feels like the deep exhaustion of chemo fatigue, when I get up from a nap with effort and an alarm.

I did all that biking because the weather's been perfect, and the biking has been wonderful -- and I knew I wouldn't have a lot more chances before the trip this weekend, the weather changes, and I go to MInnesota for surgery -- after which I definitely won't be recovered until it's cold. I will still bike in the cold (as long as it's not icy) but it's a whole different thing then. I'll have to dress carefully or I will be cold. (Too few layers and I'm cold -- too many layers and I sweat and the sweat freezes and I'm also cold. It's tricky!) Meanwhile I have been icing my knee -- though it has been fine -- so it won't go out again like it did last Wednesday.

Meanwhile I am sad to miss seeing my chemo buddies. Next Thursday for sure -- it's my last chance to catch 3 of them there. And I won't miss because I have an appointment with a radiation oncologist at 9:30 just a few flights below.

improved energy

My body aches are still there but not so bad and I am taking medicine less and less often. The dose of advil I took yesterday pm lasted 24 hrs. It was enough that I thought i was done, but then the aches came back tonight -- and i really did feelsorta bad for a little while while I waited for the next dose to kick in. Nothing like before, though.

And the energy -- okay, this is not the way you want your energy to present, but it's how mine often does, though it hadn't in awhile, so it's telling. This is what happened:

I didn’t get the workout I usually get on Friday, because my knee started to hurt on Wednesday's bikeride. I went to the chiropractor Wed afternoon (I have a great chiropractor who fits me in.....) but it was worse than he thought because it bothered me on Thursday when I was just biking to Georgetown for transportation. The point there is that it's waaaay fewer miles. I biked 37 miles on Wednesday and 12 on Thursday, 6 each way with a break in between for hours, since after my MD appt I went upstairs to visit with my chemo buddies.....

So okay, short ride on Thursday and nothing else because I spent all my time hanging with the chemo buddies, Friday I swam, and then I only walked on the weekend, 4m each day. People make fun of me for tracking it so carefully, but keep reading..... Last night I had a harder time sleeping than I anticipated, even for a Sunday night after sleeping later hours on the weekend. I mean, I almost slept for the 3-4 hours I was in bed. I kept waking up and checking the time, and when the alarm went off I was not even upset; it was more like, Good, I can stop trying to sleep. And then I got up and after the kids went to school I made almost all of the phone calls (appointments and other medical and travel type obligations) that had been hanging over my head.(almost because I remembered later that there’s one more I have to do.) Of course I didn’t reach everyone and expect call backs (which will all come in tomorrow when I’m on my bike, no doubt.) Then I ate, went to my chiropractor, and went to the pool and swam 90 lengths, a mile and a quarter, for the first time in months….. maybe since before the chemo. I did this on I don't know what sleep -- and no caffeine or chocolate..... That's the energy I remember -- sometimes.

I had planned to go to bed early tonight to make up for it – but I haven’t. I will soon. Of course it's not early anymore. It’s nice to feel like myself again, though it includes the need for careful balancing of exercise and life to avoid the trouble sleeping. (Call it a preexisting condition. You didn't think I was so diligent about exercising all the time just because, did you? I'm thinking it's somehow related to the ADHD. The H part, especially.....)

On the other hand I have been having awful indigestion. No particular cause I can find, either – it seems like my gut would rather I had a snack at dinnertime than a big meal. (I’ve heard that works better for us.... ) THis happens to me sometimes but not all the time, and I can never figure out why -- what food, what quantity, what else to look for. Sometimes it's a bug -- and Em did complain about a stomach ache.... but we're being careful these days, and I haven't been sharing her food and bugs -- though I guess I could have caught a bug anyway.

Okay I'm off. I'm planning to ride to Bethesda tomorrow and ride with the Bethesda Babes. I need to take my knee to bed and be good to it so it lets me.....

looking at the end of chemo....

I just finished chemo a week ago. I have read that however long a chemo patient is tired while on chemo, s/he will be tired for that long again after it's done. I was tired at the end there..... the last 3-4 weeks, maybe? HOwever, it wasn't all the time, just more often than usual. Like some days I would go back to sleep after the kids and Alan had left for school and work -- if it was a day without a bike ride or chemo. I feel more energetic just after one chemo-free Thursday. However, I still want more sleep. (Yeah I'm going up to bed, right after this.)

Anyway on the days that I'd nap in the morning I'd set my alarm to I could make it to the midday swim. I’d fall into a deep sleep accessible only in the morning, it seems, and when the alarm would go off (two hours later!) I’d be completely wiped, no interest in waking up. (that's chemo, not how I usually awaken from naps.) I always made myself, though, and until maybe the last week or two I always felt better after I swam. Maybe it was just the last week that was a struggle. There was one day (just last week) when I didn’t make it to swim, and walked the dog instead – for an hour, a good walk…. But the swim I had meant to catch was ending about when I started the walk; it was a matter of needing more recovery time.

That was the day after I had taken the morphine on an emptier stomach than I realized…..I felt still full from a snack I’d had an hour or so before, but I woke up so nauseated the next morning that I couldn’t help with the kids….. and then by the time I woke up again from the nap I probably had low blood sugar too….. At least I had thought to have Alan put some food by the bed for me before he went to work so I could get something into me before I got up and got nauseated again. However – that whole problem was because of mismanagement of meds (I took it on an emptyish stomach) and preexisting problems (tendency to get low blood sugar.) The main thing that was chemo related was the fact that I was taking morphine in the first place.. And by the way – I was taking it not because the pain I was feeling was so severe. It was flulike body aches that I had (still have, but less now.) The problem was that I had flulike body aches for about 6 weeks. I’m not sure I’d ever felt anything for that kinda time before…… and lemme tellya, it gets old after about 3. (Well for the first two I was trying to heal myself because I really thought it was some viral thing.)

Anyway, I started to get tired a good month after the body aches started. I can't promise I was tired entirely because of the chemo, though.... ONce school started our alarm started going off at 6am. Honestly I've always fantasized about taking a nap after they’d all left.... I just never let myself until I got a cancer diagnosis. :-D Now maybe I will let myself more often...... I mean, really, getting up in the dark is inhumane.

I always feel bad waking the kids that early. As it gets colder I often sometimes let Matthew sleep later and drive him to school. It's bad on the gas but nicer on his sleep. I’ve been pretty strict with him this fall, though, because he gets into habits and I know I won’t be up for driving him after my surgery. So now we have a deal…. The deal I wanted was no screen time after 10pm on weekdays – I figured that way he’d get sleepy on his own… reasonable, right? Well he didn’t go for it, so now we have a different deal – as long as he’s pleasant in the morning and makes it to his school bus, he can control his bedtime…. The day he grouses at me or misses his bus his bedtime is mine. It’s funny to see him in the morning…. I come in and wake him and ask him how he slept – and he goes straight from being completely out of it to “Huh? Oh -- fine, thanks!” He is really good at it – he can almost do it in his sleep…… now if he can just avoid getting sick…..

last MD visit before surgery

Well she agreed that it had shrunk more, but I don't think she ever considered the idea of giving me more chemotherapy though I had brought it up as a question before, and sent her an email letting her know I would be asking again at yesterday's visit. I'm not sure how I feel about that but there's nothing I can do about it either. It's nice to be done, but I don't understand stopping when it's working just because of a protocol - and mostly it really pisses me off that in the end the discussion doesn't really matter; we do what she says because she's the doctor!

I suppose the protocols really do bind her -- but I would like my wishes to matter here more than they feel like they do, and I would like some recognition that what I do and say matters...... She said that my response to the chemo had been better than expected. Well maybe there is a problem with their expectations -- I expected it! (It IS pretty cool, though.)

Afterwards I went upstairs and visited with my chemo buddies. It was really nice to hang with them. Too bad I booked up the next two Thursdays with medical appointments. I'm going to have to see if I can change them to other days so I can go see the gang again; all but one of them will finish their treatments by the time I'm in MInnesota, and it will be harder to get together after that -- especially since we'll all still have more treatment. (Three of us will have surgery and then radiation in different places & on different schedules. I don't know what happens when surgery was before chemo -- is there radiation after or did it happen already, or is it skipped.....?)

So now I have to make lots of appointments... some with radiation oncologists so I can figure out which one to go to for radiation, and set that up. Also I have to see if I can get a surgeon here who will do my post-op visit so I don't have to go to Minnesota twice. (If anyone has any ideas or recommendations on that score please tell me!) Oh and I have to get a rental van set up for next Friday through Sunday so we can carpool with some other folks to the wedding in the catskills and I don't have to drive all 13 hrs myself. I think the other people in the carpool want to leave before noon, though, and Matthew doesn't want to skip school. He happens to have a half day -- they both do -- and I was hoping that 12:15 would work for people, but they are worried about hitting NYC at rush hour, and that's probably about right. However, it's also true that the high school and middle school teachers here are extremely uptight about missed school........

Meanwhile I'm still tired and would rather put it all off and take a nap -- since I can't go on the bikeride on this BEAUTIFUL DAY!!! My knee went out on Wednesday's ride and I have to rest it and maybe take it to the chiropractor again.

actually my whole right BREAST is shrinking!

Emily and I finally posed for our "before" pictures, she in her "new" bikini that I got her early in the summer, and I in my new bikini that she picked out for me at Old Navy at their end of summer sale -- in early to mid August, that was. I don't know if I wrote about that at the time -- but it was pretty cool, because my right breast was too big for the suit, and I bought it thinking that that wouldn't be a problem next summer, post mastectomy. (In fact the individual bra cups remove, so if I ever wanted to make a statement......) I also kinda like the idea of getting a new bikini before a mastectomy, thumbing my nose at any idea that perhaps my bikini days are over. HOwever, I honestly would not have thought of it; it was EMily's idea, and she insisted I get the suit. And it does look good, and the top looked good on her, too (good enough that she is going to have to, um, borrow it sometime.... ) so it will look okay on a flat chest. AND it was only $10..... :-)

Anyway so we posed for pictures tonight, the plan being that we will do it again next summer (or before, whenever it's warm enough to get the suits out) when SHE has breasts (trust me on this; it won't be long now) and I have only one. So anyway I put the suit on last night, thinking as I did that maybe I should pose in a different suit that look better, since I still have my right breast, which was falling out of the suit top when I tried it on in the store changing room. Well when I put on the suit last night, it fit. The bikini top fit fine on both breasts. My right breast is no longer too large for the swimsuit.... how big WAS that tumor????

In fact it looked so good I felt sorry about getting rid of the breast. I suppose I could have a lumpectomy, but...... I want clean margins, and when you start out with a 7cm tumor, who knows if anything got left behind in the shrinkage? Nah, I will learn to be lopsided.

OKay I will leave off now -- perhaps I will have some real news tomorrow.