Balancing Act

Went on a hard hill ride yesterday. Lynn led it. Lynn's always been out of my league; I could not keep up with her before chemo -- but she was testing out a new route and invited me and Joan to come with her -- because we hadn't been able to ride with her last Friday I think. It felt like an honor, somehow, so I really wanted to say yes. I like Lynn -- though I mostly know her through Joan and email contact, since I can't keep up with her for long enough to get to know her well while biking. (Now there's a motivator!)

So I arranged to ride Tuesday instead of Wednesday, & made sure Em would have people to hang with on Tuesday. Lynn rearranged her work schedule to do this at 9:30 for us instead of early early, as she usually does. And..... well..... honestly, it ended up being 50 miles of rolling hills in the blistering heat. Joan and Lynn waited for me at turns, because I fell behind on the hills. I got worried pretty early on, because I was tired by mile 5. HOwever -- though I had a hard time going up every hill, and my butt hurt, it wasn't harder going up the hills towards the end of the ride the way it was in Marshall -- it was just the same hard. And on the way home Joan and I stopped at SPokes and I got a seat cover - and it felt SO GOOD not to have pain every time I pushed down on the pedals that I sped up, and did better on the one last hill! SO, apparently the problem is not all in my lungs at the moment, but in my butt as well.

The background to that is, I've been trying a new saddle. My last one chafed on the sides. This one definitely is a better fit -- however, it's HARD. People swear by this kind of saddle, a brooks leather saddle. So I am giving it a try. However, it is possible that it won't work for me. I have a really flat butt, really very little padding on the bones. I mean, I use a sofa cushion on my seat at the dining room table..... know what I'm saying????

ANyway -- yesterday's ride was hard enough that I didn't even have it to walk the dog or swim today. I did walk her to the library and back, ~2 flat miles -- but I owed her 4. I meant to do it tonight, and it is nicer walking late at night than in the hothothot day -- but gawd, look at the time (I don't know what time zone this thing is in -- it's 1:10am MY time.) Tomorrow. I probably would have made it to do more if I hadn't gone rowing tonight -- but I had to leave for my rowing class by 5:30, and I had trouble getting going today. (Rowing is good, and I learn a lot, and it strengthens some of my muscles -- or would if I did it more than once a week, I think -- but it's never hard or fast enough to be a cardiovascular workout.) Rowing was one reason why I thought biking yesterday would work better than today -- my butt has been hurting on the boat after having spent the morning hours on a hard bike seat. It was better today.... however, the trail ride that happened today, which I missed, sounded a lot more appropriate for me. I'm up to speed on the trail rides, ahead of most, sometimes, so no one has to wait for me -- AND I don't have to get left behind. (The ride I wrote about in the last post was an exception; I've done fine since then. It was they who were fast, I do think, now, not I who was slow.)

Also, I did all right last week just walking and swimming, mostly, and biking only once. Marc and EMily were here and I wanted to spend time with them as much as possible -- and it worked. I'm hoping that bodes well for the New Mexico trip...... but we will see. I tried to get Bruce to help me figure out a workout plan, but he didn't really get it..... or maybe I have to ask him a bit further. Thing is, I get the feeling he thinks I'm just worrying, so he reassures me. But I'm worrying only because I don't have a plan, and reassurance isn't helping me because it's a plan that I need. He said I could get up at 5am and borrow a mountain bike and do 20 miles. I suppose.... maybe I could do that once if I got truly desperate. But I'm really not a morning person (I mean I'm REALLY not a morning person!) And I'm still tired from chemo -- mornings are hard. And the hot flashes that wake me in the night mean I probably take more time in bed to get a night's sleep than I used to...... and without a workout they are more frequent......

I would be happy to walk for an hour in the evenings, if there's someone who'd be interested in coming with me who walks nice and fast -- I'm not really going to be comfortable going for a walk on my own in the dark in an unfamiliar place with no dog! And I'll bring my swimsuit & hope for a pool..... He said not to rent a car, but maybe we should. I'm happy to borrow a bike to get myself to a pool or whatever, but distances are further out there I hear.

OKay I'm going to shut up now. Maybe this is a dumb blog post. Well I guess you don't have to read it.....

Falling Behind

I am a little worried about what appears to be a sudden setback in my biking pace. I've been riding in the back for some time now, but except for hill rides I've always been able to keep up with the group -- and I was even starting to ride in front for awhile there! However, for the last 3 rides I had real trouble keeping up -- and only one of them was a hill ride. Today I kept up for the first 15 miles and then I dropped so far back that I couldn't even see the group for the remaining 20 miles -- despite the big break at the bread store at mile 17ish.

It seems odd for me to suddenly be having this trouble. Perhaps it's just the pace of my healing, and the other bikers in my biking club are getting faster and stronger at a more accelerated pace (Joan's theory) -- but I have to wonder, maybe something is not right with me, beyond still-recovering. I am not sure. It does feel like it's the rest of the Babes who have suddenly grown wings, but it always feels like that when I drop back -- even back when I tried to keep up with them on my 20 year old mountain bike. (I know, I know. I was stubborn and didn't believe in the difference between road bikes and mountain bikes.....)

I'm not swimming 45 min miles anymore, either -- and I had recovered that time, post radiation -- I even did a few faster than that. Now I've slowed down again. I thought it was because I'm using the outdoor pool, which is warmer (so it's hard to remember I'm not lollygagging in the tub sometimes....) but yesterday I went with a friend and was motivated to swim fast so I could spend more time with her -- but I couldn't keep it up, the last 6th was brutal, and in the end it took me 50 mins.

I wonder, could the tamoxifen be causing part of this? (ALan's thought.) I hope not -- because I'm going to be on it for another 4.5 years. I think lung damage is a more likely cause -- then I'd have trouble getting enough oxygen to my muscles. Anyway I'd be very interested to hear if anyone knows of any other athletic cancer survivors who had this trouble after the treatment is done. I mean, I finished chemo 5 months ago, and radiation 3.5 months ago -- and I kept up with my biking club better LAST summer, while I was ON chemo. I know, it has a cumulative effect -- but this is a bit more than what I was expecting at THIS point.

Still Recovering

You know, I thought that maybe since I was in such good shape I would recover sooner than I had heard people do. My chemo fatigue was never too bad -- but it's still with me. What I hear is that it lasts for as long as you have had chemo, again. So, gee, I don't know, it could last through this coming winter I guess. Hopefully it will abate by the fall, though -- I get tired in the winter anyway. (I think it's seasonal.)

My fatigue is not bad -- because I have always had great energy -- but I don't have my usual energy now. I'm still biking 2-3 times a week (a total of 70-90 miles), but can't build up to doing a 50 mile ride comfortably, though I have been biking this amount since before chemo without more than a week and a half off at a time (one for the mastectomy and one for ice.) I rode 49 miles yesterday, and that was the first time since early on in my chemo that I'd ridden close to 50 miles (about a year ago) and it was hard! (My butt hurt. I'm borrowing these new saddles from JOan to try out on my bike, & will buy one from her if it works. They're really hard, so I'm skeptical, but they're leather, and I've met a number of people who swear by them -- they say that these saddles get dents and dimples exactly where your butt bones are and they fit perfectly after that. (Could that work? I have so little butt padding that I use a pillow on my seat at the dining room table.... could it be that if it were fitted to MY butt it would work just as well?)

Just so you know what I mean about still having chemo fatigue despite all this biking -- two summers ago I built up to longer and longer bike rides, so that in addition to the usual rides that summer I did a 60 mile ride, an 80, and finally a century. I remember clearly that the main obstacles to doing those long rides had to do with leaving the kids home alone for long periods of time, particularly Em, since she's younger. I did the century while both kids were out of town with Kathy and Ted. (My butt hurt after the century.... I remember that too!)

Anyhow, back to the present -- today I went swimming. I've been tired swimming too, and today I enjoyed it more than I have been, which is a success. (I drag myself through the mile if I'm too tired to enjoy it -- no quitting!) My arm and scar stopped hurting after 13 lengths -- a 5th of a mile. I was warned about the tightness -- it's post radiation shrinkage trying to restrict my motion. It will fail. I think I can conquer it swimming, without the need for PT, though if I need PT I will do that. I'd prefer to avoid it though because aside from the fact that I just spent over $2000 on my mouth, I'm maxing out on medical appointments. I mean even for interpreting jobs I have asked if I can have school meetings instead for awhile. I prefer them anyway, but there aren't as many to be had as medical appointments.

It's hard for me to judge where I'm at in the recovery process because I'm living with myself all the time, but I asked Joan and Rosa what they thought during a break in yesterday's bike ride. (Only Joan and Rosa and Alice and I rode the whole ride, and Alice didn't know me before chemo.) Both Joan and Rosa agreed that I was faster and stronger before, & that I am still recovering. I thought so, but I'm comparing myself to them, and they are not static either..... Rosa is training for the senior olympics! In fact, the only reason why I was able to mostly keep up with her yesterday was that her trainer had scheduled her for an easy week last week. :-D (I did mention that she's 72 or 3, right? My role model.....)

Another Cancer Story

Visited with family this weekend in NJ, for the wedding of a cousin of Alan's. It was great, neat people. There were a couple of old friends of cousin Lois there, who reminded me somehow of BarryGLennSandiDavid. At first I thought they were married, because they so obviously had this longtime relationship -- but no, they were old friends from high school! They were very interesting. It wasn't until today that I found out that the guy had lost his wife to breast cancer. It's such a common cancer, it shouldn't really surprise me; I always know that when people have lost someone female to cancer there's a pretty good chance it's going to have been breast cancer. Course it may be that more people who know a woman with breast cancer know a live one, which is more encouraging -- except that of course their stories are still being told...... so I can't really know what will happen to them either......

Anyway I had heard enough about this man's story to feel for him and his loss while I was hearing the story, but there was also this voice in the back of my head making note of the similarities and differences between my story and the story he told. HIs wife was diagnosed at stage 3, like me, and had a mastectomy and adjuvent therapy -- but the chemo came after the surgery, as it used to all the time. (Now chemo is generally given first when it's later stage, certainly stages 3-4, but even late stage 2. Maybe they will eventually come to decide that it works better to give chemo first at any stage....but the impression I had was that when this woman was being treated for breast cancer the idea of having chemo at ALL was new. But that can't be right, can it?) I had chemo before surgery -- which is a relatively new idea, and probably better. Also different chemos. And finally, it's been awhile -- she was diagnosed in 1980. (But who the hell knows?)

She was diagnosed when her kids were 2 and 7. SHe did all right for almost 10 yrs, but then it was suddenly found to have metastasized. She lived til the kids were 12 and 18. Yesterday I had heard this man's story of losing his father to the nazis in the war, and escaping to the US with his mom, who'd been thrust into single parenthood. Today when I heard his story about his wife I thought about him being thrust into single parenthood too, after he'd moved to a safe place and put together a nice life with a family. So unfair.

worries about zometa and teeth....

I know it's hard to see me in that picture on the ergometers (rowing machines) in the room with everyone -- though I am in front. I made a .tiff crop, and I can't seem to get the blog to take it (OR facebook, OR twitter. What's it FOR, I ask you??) I tried pasting it here, too -- no go. Oh well, maybe one of you guys will help me out here. (I'm not asking my kids -- don't even suggest it.....)

My molar sockets still throb -- but it's been long enough now (a week and a half) that bleeding isn't a real concern, so I can take advil and naproxen. No contest now; this is way longer than the post mastectomy pain. Go figure!

I had those molars out in preparation for taking zometa -- and I just heard a horror story about it, which is making me worried. Course it was 3rd hand, so no way to find out if there is a clear way to avoid the trouble happening (like maybe the woman who'd taken it had a tooth pulled? I was able to get it down to 2nd hand, but my friend hadn't asked all the questions I had, so no way to know that part of the story. UNless my friend bumps into this woman again and asks....

ANyhow, the story I got is that this woman took zometa and lost half her teeth -- and the other half are loose. It does have a risk of osteonecrosis of the jaw. Both my local oncologists think this is overblown, hardly any correlation between the incidence of osteonecrosis and having taken zometa. I tend to trust what an individual knows about her (or his) body over statistics. It's not easy to prove anything from anecdotal evidence until it's way obvious.....

What I did hear directly from my own personal friend about HER experience with zometa surprised me, though it was not tooth related. I was not expecting side effects, but she says she had to sleep off flulike symptoms for 24 hrs. And she took zometa a lot more often than my doctor recommended I take it, so I suspect she took a smaller dose. However -- this I can do; it's short term temporary. I just won't schedule it before a biking day, if I can manage not to. :-D

I next see my doc in a couple of weeks; I had been planning to set up the zometa thing then. I'm going to see how much I can find out between now and then...... any help, anecdotes, etc. will appreciated!!

extractions

I had my two left rear molars out last Wednesday (before I wrote that last post I think.) I'm not delighted about giving up the teeth -- and also, I did think the recovery would be quicker. It hasn't been awful, but it's lingering. The sockets throb, even now, 4 days after the extractions (and an hour after my last tylenol!) I feel like the mastectomy recovery was quicker...... maybe because they stitched the wound up? I do wish the doc had stitched the sockets up -- I keep getting food in them, and that can't help with the healing.

"Nice Haircut!"

I got a compliment on my "haircut" yesterday! I went swimming at Wakefield, and one of the lifeguards really hadn't seen me much in the last year..... maybe I'd always been wearing a swim cap or a hat. It's not my usual pool, as I said before -- but this lifeguard used to work at Yorktown, so she remembered me. ANyhow -- I got out of the water (no cap) and she said "Hey, I like your haircut!" and I looked at her, and her face was all lit up like she meant it. I said "You really do, don't you?" I decided not to spoil the moment by telling her that it wasn't exactly a haircut by choice...... so I said thank you, and went away feeling great.

It made my day, you know? I realized after that that I have seen this haircut on black women before. I hadn't thought of it til I got the compliment -- maybe because the lifeguard is black. (Her hair's long & braided, though.) Here, I'll see if I can add some pictures from this past memorial day weekend when I was learning to row. (WeCanRowDC novice training weekend)






Sorry -- that's the best I can do for these pictures at the moment.

I had my two molars extracted this afternoon. It was simpler than I thought. I hope the spots heal well and no complications. I am not real happy about having the teeth out before they were dropping out of my mouth...... I keep thinking I'll get over it. It's interesting how that bothers me (not a LOT but sort of relentlessly; every time I think about it, I'm still not happy about it) while I was always fine about losing the breast. Maybe I owe that all to the doctor who showed me the MRI right away.

He showed it to me before telling me I needed a mastectomy. I saw it and wanted that bad boy OFF! and have never looked back. Now I hear about all these women with identity issues about mastectomies. Maybe more of them would be happy to be lopsided too if only they'd gotten to see the picture of the cancer first, and choose for themselves? There was not really an equivalent thing they could have done about the teeth -- I guess they could have shown me pictures of abscesses....... but it would not have had the same impact as the MRI picture of MY breast, all lit up like the 4th of July. The abscesses were always a possible scenario, not a sure thing.

Anyway. I went on a nice bike ride this morning before the extractions -- so i wouldn't lose a workout day. Might not do much tomorrow, but I'm told I should be fine by Friday. And even tomorrow, maybe........